I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes
我每天傍晚才起床，嘴角带着大大的微笑
这笑容从来不会格格不入
你肯定还在做着那份朝九晚五的工作吧
不知你心情有多糟
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
当你看到我的脸
希望它给你个坏心情
希望它给你个坏心情
当你按我的方式生活
希望你有个坏心情
希望你有个坏心情
Now wheres you picket fence love
And wheres that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far
You've never seem so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard,
Do you know where you are
爱人哦，现在你的木栅栏到哪儿去了
你那闪亮的新车又在哪儿
它带你跑了多远
爱人哦，你的表情前所未有地僵硬
我从没看过你摔得这么惨
你知不知道你身在何处
And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying
说实话，我很想你
说实话，我在说谎
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
当你看到我的脸
希望它给你个坏心情
希望它给你个坏心情
当你按我的方式生活
希望你有个坏心情
希望你有个坏心情
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, your just as well, hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
如果你找到一个男人
他对你好，让你觉得重要
他是个傻瓜，你也聪明不到哪儿去
希望他给你个坏心情
希望他给你个坏心情
Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where'd it all go wrong, the list goes on and on
明天你就会自己反省
心想到底哪儿做错了
列出的错误一长串
Now you'll never see, what you've done to me
You can take back your memories they're no good to me
And here's all your lies,
You can look me in my eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well
你永远都不知道，你对我作了什么
你可以收回那些美好回忆，它们对我没好处
你说过的谎话也一并带走吧
你可以直视我的眼睛
带着你驾轻就熟的悲伤表情
济慈，全名约翰·济慈[1]（John Keats，1795年—1821年）出生于18世纪末年的伦敦，他是杰出的英诗作家之一，也是浪漫派的主要成员。父亲是马厩的雇工领班。自幼喜爱文学，由于家境窘困，不满16岁就离校学医。其父母在其青少年时期便相续去世，虽然与兄弟和姐姐相互支持，但过早失去父母的悲伤始终影响着他。在埃菲尔德学校（Enfield School），济慈接受了传统正规的教育，在阅读和写作方面，济慈受到了师长克拉克（Charles Cowden Clarke）的鼓励。年轻的济慈非常钟爱维吉尔（Virgil），14岁时，他将维吉尔的长诗《艾涅阿斯纪》（"Aeneid"）翻译成英语。1810年，济慈被送去当药剂师的学徒。五年后济慈考入伦敦的一所医学院，但没有一年，济慈便放弃了从医的志愿，而专心于写作诗歌。济慈很早就尝试写作诗歌，他早期的作品多是一些仿作，1817年，济慈的第一本诗集出版。这本诗集受到了一些好的评论，但也有一些极为苛刻的攻击性评论刊登在当时很有影响力的一本杂志（Blackwood`s magazine）上。济慈没有被吓倒，他在来年的春天复印了新诗集《安迪密恩》（“Endymion”）。1818年夏天，济慈前往英格兰北部和苏格兰旅行，途中得到消息说他的兄弟汤姆得了严重的肺结核，济慈即刻赶回家照顾汤姆。这一年年底，汤姆死了，济慈搬到一个朋友在汉普斯泰德（Hampstead）的房子去住，现在人们已将那所房子认为济慈之家。在那里，济慈遇见并深深的爱上了一位年轻的女邻居，芬妮·布朗（Fanny Brawne）。在接下来的几年中，疾病与经济上的问题一直困扰着济慈，但他却令人惊讶的写出了大量的优秀作品，其中包括《圣艾格尼丝之夜》《秋颂》《夜莺颂》和《致秋天》等名作，表现出诗人对大自然的强烈感受和热爱，赢得巨大声誉。1820年3月，济慈第一次咳血，之后不久，因为迅速恶化的肺结核，1821年2月23日，济慈于去意大利疗养的途中逝世。 去世的时候，只有年轻而忠诚的朋友画家塞文陪伴着他。
他的墓志铭写着：Here lies one
whose name was written in water
此地长眠者，声名水上书。
济慈创作的第一首诗是《仿斯宾塞》，接着又写了许多优秀的十四行诗，他的这些早期诗作收集在1817年3月出版的第一本《诗集》中。次年，他根据古希腊神话写成的《安迪密恩》问世，全诗想象丰富，色彩绚丽，构架宏大，洋溢着对自由的渴望。
1818年到1820年，是济慈诗歌创作的鼎盛时期，他先后完成了《伊莎贝拉》《圣亚尼节前夜》《海伯利安》等著名长诗，最脍炙人口的《夜莺颂》《希腊古翁颂》《秋颂》等名篇也是在这一时期内写成的。
济慈诗才横溢，与雪莱、拜伦齐名。他生平只有25岁，但其遗下的诗篇一直誉满人间，被认为完美地体现了西方浪漫主义诗歌的特色，并被推崇为欧洲浪漫主义运动的杰出代表。他主张“美即是真，真即是美”，擅长描绘自然景色和事物外貌，表现景物的色彩感和立体感，重视写作技巧，语言追求华美，对后世抒情诗的创作影响极大。
“1812年2月23日，他客死罗马，安葬在英国新教徒公墓，年仅二十五岁。……如果天以借年，他能够达到什么样的成就，是难以逆料的。但是人们公认，当他二十四岁停笔时，他对诗坛的贡献已大大超越了同一年龄的乔叟、莎士比亚和弥尔顿。”
“在英国的大诗人中，几乎没有一个人比济慈的出身更为卑微。” （BY《济慈诗选》序/屠岸）
拜伦
简介
全名：乔治·戈登·拜伦(George Gordon Byron)（1788－1824），是英国浪漫主义文学的杰出代表。1788年1月23日出生于伦敦，父母皆出自没落贵族家庭。他天生跛一足，并对此很敏感。十岁时，拜伦家族的世袭爵位及产业（纽斯泰德寺院是其府邸）落到他身上，成为拜伦第六世勋爵。哈罗公学毕业后，1805－1808年在剑桥大学学文学及历史，他是个不刻苦的学生，很少听课，却广泛阅读了欧洲和英国的文学、哲学和历史著作，同时也从事射击、赌博、饮酒、打猎、游泳、拳击等各种活动。1809年3月，他作为世袭贵族进入了贵族院，他出席议院和发言的次数不多，但这些发言都鲜明地表示了拜伦的自由主义的进步立场。
剑桥大学毕业。曾任上议院议员。学生时代即深受启蒙思想影响。1809-1811年游历西班牙、希腊、土耳其等国，受各国人民反侵略、反压迫斗争鼓舞，创作《恰尔德·哈罗德游记》。其代表作品有《恰尔德·哈罗德游记》《唐璜》等。在他的诗歌里塑造了一批“拜伦式英雄”。他们孤傲、狂热、浪漫，却充满了反抗精神。他们内心充满了孤独与苦闷，却又蔑视群小。恰尔德·哈罗德是拜伦诗歌中第一个“拜伦式英雄”。拜伦诗中最具有代表性、战斗性，也是最辉煌的作品是他的长诗《唐璜》，诗中描绘了西班牙贵族子弟唐璜的游历、恋爱及冒险等浪漫故事，揭露了社会中黑暗、丑恶、虚伪的一面，奏响了为自由、幸福和解放而斗争的战歌。拜伦不仅是一位伟大的诗人，还是一个为理想战斗一生的勇士；他积极而勇敢地投身革命，参加了希腊民族解放运动，并成为***之一。
从1809－1811，拜伦出国作东方的旅行，是为了要“看看人类，而不是只方书本上读到他们”，还为了扫除“一个岛民怀着狭隘的偏见守在家门的有害后果”。在旅途中，他开始写作《恰尔德。哈洛尔德游记》和其他诗篇，并在心中酝酿未来的东方故事诗。《恰尔德。哈洛尔德游记》的第一、二章在1812年2月问世，轰动了文坛，使拜伦一跃成为伦敦社交界的明星。然而这并没有使他和英国的贵族资产阶级妥协。他自早年就自到这个社会及其统治阶级的顽固、虚伪、邪恶及偏见，他的诗一直是对这一切的抗议。
1811－1816年，拜伦一直在生活在不断的感情旋涡中。在他到处受欢迎的社交生活中，逢场作戏的爱情俯拾即是，一个年青的贵族诗人的风流韵事自然更为人津津乐道。拜伦在1813年向一位安娜·密尔班克**求婚，于1815年1月和她结了婚。这是拜伦一生中所铸的最大的错误。拜伦夫人是一个见解褊狭的、深为其阶级的伪善所宥的人，完全不能理解拜伦的事业和观点。婚后一年，便带着初生一个多月的女儿回到自己家中，拒绝与拜伦同居，从而使流言纷起。以此为契机，英国统治阶级对它的叛逆者拜伦进行了最疯狂的报复，以图毁灭这个胆敢在政治上与它为敌的诗人。这时期的痛苦感受，也使他写出象《普罗米修斯》那样的诗，表示向他的压迫者反抗到底的决心。
拜伦在1916年4月永远离开了英国，一个传记作者说他“被赶出了国土，钱带和心灵都破了产 ，他离去了，永不在回；但他离去后，却在若恩河的激流之旁找到新的灵感，在意大利的天空下写出了使他的名字永垂不朽的作品。”
1816年，拜伦居住在瑞士，在日内瓦结识了另一个流亡的诗人雪莱，对英国发动统治的憎恨和对诗歌的同好使他们结成了密友。
拜伦在旅居国外期间，陆续写成《恰尔德 哈洛尔德游记》（1816-1817）、故事诗《锡雍的囚徒》（1816）、悲剧《曼弗雷德》（1817）长诗《青铜世纪》（1923）等。巨著《唐璜》是拜伦最重要的一组诗，半庄半谐、夹叙夹议，有现实主义的内容，又有奇突、轻松而讽刺的笔凋。第一、二章匿名发表后，立即引起巨大的反响。英国维护资产阶级体面的报刊群起而攻之，指责它对宗教和道德进攻，是“对体面、善良感情和维护社会所必须的行为准则的讥讽”，“令每个正常的头脑厌恶”，等等。
但同时，它也受到高度的赞扬。作家瓦尔特·司各特说《唐璜》“象莎士比亚一样地包罗万象，他囊括了人生的每个题目，拨动了神圣的琴上的每一根弦，弹出最细小以至最强烈最震动心灵的调子。”诗人歌德说，“《唐璜》是彻底的天才的作品--愤世到了不顾一切的辛辣程度，温柔到了优美感情的最纤细动人的地步……”。《唐璜》写完第十六章，拜伦已准备献身于希腊的民族解放运动了。
这是诗人一生最后的、也是最光辉的一业。他既憎恨发动的“神圣同盟”对欧洲各民族的压迫，也憎恨土尔其对希腊的统治。1824年，拜伦忙于战备工作，不幸遇雨受寒，一病不起，4月19日逝世。他的死使希腊人民深感悲痛，全国志哀二十一天。
回顾他的一生，他的诗，他的精神，就足以使任何能感应的人相信：拜伦不但是一个伟大的诗人，而且是世界上总会需要的一种诗人，以嘲笑其较卑劣的，并鼓舞其较崇高的行动。
作品
拜伦一生为民主、自由、民族解放的理想而斗争，而且努力创作，他的作品具有重大的历史进步意义和艺术价值，他未完成的长篇诗体小说《堂璜》，是一部气势宏伟，意境开阔，见解高超，艺术卓越的叙事长诗，在英国以至欧洲的文学史上都是罕见的。
拜伦从学生时代开始写诗，第2部诗集《闲暇的时刻》（1807）出版后受到《爱丁堡评论》的攻击，诗人乃答之以《英国诗人和苏格兰评论家》（1809）一诗，初次显露了他卓越的才华和讽刺的锋芒。1812年发表的《恰尔德·哈罗尔德游记》（第1、2章）是他的成名作。1816年，拜伦因私生活受到上流社会的排斥，愤而移居意大利。在意大利，他写了《恰尔德·哈罗尔德游记》的第3、4两章（1816、1818年）。这部抒情叙事长诗和未完成的巨著《唐璜》是他最著名的代表作。
拜伦还写了一系列长篇叙事诗，如《异教徒》（1813）、《海盗》（1814）和7部诗剧，如《曼弗雷德》（1817）、《该隐》（1821），以及许多抒情诗和讽刺诗，如《审判的幻景》（1822）。
1823年初，希腊抗土斗争高涨，拜伦放下正在写作的《唐璜》，毅然前往希腊，参加希腊志士争取自由、独立的武装斗争，1824年4月19日死于希腊军中。他的诗歌在欧洲和中国都有很大的影响。
拿破仑“睡狮”之误传 拿破仑说过两次类似的话。 第一次是在他登基之前的1803年，据说他是指着地图上的中国说的：“Ici repose un géant endormi, laissez le dormir, car uand il s'éveillera, il étonnera le monde" （英文翻译："Here lies a s
拿破仑,名言
拿破仑“睡狮”之误传 拿破仑说过两次类似的话。 第一次是在他登基之前的1803年，据说他是指着地图上的中国说的：“Ici repose un géant endormi, laissez le dormir, car uand il s'éveillera, il étonnera le monde" （英文翻译："Here lies a s
济慈的诗：此地长眠者，声名水上书（Here
lies
one
whose
name
was
written
in
water）
大意是：
人生一世，不过就是把名字写在水上。
往事如烟，终将随水流消逝了。
之类的。
lay1
(lie的过去式)
lay2
及物动词 vt
1放,搁[O]
Please lay the packages on the table
请把包裹放在桌上。
2铺设;砌(砖);涂
The workers are laying the tracks
工人们在铺设铁轨。
3准备,安排;拟定
They laid down a number of rules
他们制定了一些规则。
4下蛋;产卵
The black hen lays an egg a day
那只黑母鸡每天生一个蛋。
5平息(尘土等);平服,驱除
These fears ought now to be laid
这些疑惧现在可以平息了。
6赌(钱),下(赌注)[(+on)][+that]
He laid $100 on the horse
他在这匹马上下注一百美元。
7使处于(某种状态)[O][O8]
The storm laid the village in ruins
暴风雨使这个村子成了一片废墟。
8宣称;提出[O]
The proposal was laid before the committee
建议被提交委员会讨论。
9归(罪)于;把归于[(+on/to)]
He laid his failure to his lack of experience
他把失败归咎于缺乏经验。
10把(惩罚等)加于[(+on)]
11俚粗与交媾
不及物动词 vi
1下蛋;产卵
The hens began laying in October
这些母鸡十月份开始下蛋。
2打赌[(+with/on)]
3海就位;击船
4用力做
He laid to his oars
他奋力划桨。
名词 n
1位置,地形[the S]
The lay of the ground hindered my view of the sea
地形挡住了我的视线,使我看不见大海。
2俚粗交媾
lay3
形容词 a [B]
1凡俗的,世俗的
She serves as a lay teacher at the convent school
她在修道院的学校当非神职的教师。
2外行的
To the lay mind, these technical terms are incomprehensible
对外行人来讲,这些技术术语是无法理解的。
lay4
名词 n [C]
1(供吟唱的)短叙事诗,短抒情诗
2歌曲
lie1
不及物动词 vi
1(人、动物)躺,卧;(东西)被平放[Q]
His hat and gloves were lying on the table
他的帽子和手套都放在桌上。
He lay down for a rest
他躺下休息一会。
2呈状态,置于[L]
The whole city lay in ruins after the earthquake
地震之后整个城市成了一片废墟。
I have lain awake all night thinking of them
我心里想着他们,彻夜未眠。
3(事情)在于;(错误等)发现于[Q]
The remedy lies in education
补救的办法在于教育。
4位于[Q]
Japan lies to the east of China
日本在中国的东面。
5展现,伸展[Q]
The city lies before us
城市展现在我们面前。
6被埋葬[Q]
Here lies the king of England
这里葬着英国国王。
7旧停留;过夜
名词 n
1位置;状态[S1]
2栖息处[C]
lie2
不及物动词 vi
1撒谎
He lied about his age
他在年龄上撒了谎。
2造成错觉,欺骗
That clock must be lying; it isn't noon yet
那钟一定不可靠;现在还不到中午。
及物动词 vt
1用欺骗致使[O]
He lied himself out of trouble
他用欺骗手段摆脱了困境。
名词 n
1谎话[C]
The newspapers were full of lies
报纸上一片谎言。
有两个意思：说谎和平躺。意为说谎时， 过去式 lied,过去分词 lied , 现在分词 lying;意为平躺时， 过去式 lay,过去分词 lain , 现在分词 lying;
楼上的真搞笑，打了那么多 有什么用 几乎都是废话 哈哈哈~~
good news and bad news
The soldiers had been marching and fighting, they were dirty, hot andtired One day, the general announced: "My men, I have some good newsand some bad news for you Which one would you like first"
"The good news!" they all shouted
"OK," said the General "The good news is that you will each be receivinga complete change of clothing"
"Hurrah!" chorused the soldiers
"And now for the bad news Jack, you will change with John John, youwill change with Tom Tom, you will change with Robert Robert
译： 好消息和坏消息
士兵们连续的行军，作战，他们又累又热又脏。一天，将军宣布：“士兵们，我有一些好消息和坏消息要告诉你们。你们愿意先听哪个呢？”
“好消息！”他们嚷道。
“好吧，”将军说，“好消息就是你们每个人都可以彻底的换一身衣服。”
“乌拉！”士兵们高兴地大叫起来。
“现在呢，该是坏消息了。杰克，你将和约翰换衣服，约翰，你和汤姆换，汤姆，你和罗伯特换，罗伯特……”
[幽默]-what miles on The Car
A blonde（金发女郎） and a brunette（黑人妇女） were talking, and the blonde was very stressed The brunette asked her what was the matter The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 100,000 miles on it
The brunette said to her, "I know a way that will help you sell it I have a friend who can help you, but it's illegal"
The blonde said, " I'll do anything"So the brunette gave the blonde the phone number of a guy who could turn back the odometer on her car A week later the blonde and the brunette crossed paths, and the brunette asked the blonde if she had sold her car yet
The blonde said, "Why would I sell a car with only 50,000 miles on it!"
[幽默]- an Old Maid
In a tiny village lived an old maid In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin She was very proud of it She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"
[幽默]-名演员的最后一次机会
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress‘"
The actor is thrilled All day long before the play he‘s practicing his line over and over again
Finally, the time came The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress"
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line"
"No!" screamed the director "You forgot the rose!"
[幽默]My Wife Will Exchange Them Tomorrow
A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves
"Cloth of leather" asked the salesperson
"Makes no difference, "replied customer
"What color" asked the clerk
"Any," he responded
"Size"
"Give me whatever you prefer," the gentleman said, slightly exasperated "My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them"
译： 反正我太太明天会来换的
一位先生走进一家商店要买付手套。
“您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。
“没什么区别。”这位顾客回答。
“那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。
“什么颜色都成。”他回答。
“号码呢？”
“您就随便给我拿一付吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我 太太明天都会来换的。”
MY DAILY LIFE
Though my daily life is extremely monotonous, I try hard to adapt myself to it Why Because I intend to be a good student I wish to render service to my country I get up at six o’clock every day After I wash my face and brush my teeth, I begin to review my lessons I go to school at seven o’clock After school is over, I return home We usually have supper at seven o’clock Then I begin to do my homework I want to finish it before I go to bed
虽然我的日常生活十分单调，但我却竭力设法去适应它。为什么？因为我打算做一个好学生，希望将来为国家服务。 我每天六点起床、洗脸刷牙后，就开始复习功课，七点钟我就去上学。 放学后，我就回家了。我们通常在七点钟吃晚餐，之后我就开始做家庭作业，希望在睡觉前把它做完。
Extinction has become a catchword(时髦话)Every day entire species of plants and animals die out,and for the first time in history this is due to the actions of just one species:humans We already know about five mass extinctions,and now a sixth seems to be under wayThis one is different,because it is man-madeDeforestation(毁林）of the rain forests is just one aspect of the phenomenonMost people may have heard about that,but few people know that most of the species existing in the rain forests have never been described by scienceOften they die out before we ever know existedNobody can tell what treasures we lose,perhaps a cure for cancer or other modern-day diseases
World-famous Harvard professor Edward OWilson examines life on our planet in his book The Diversity(多样性)of lifeHe doesn't lecture his readers,but states in matter-of-fact way what is known about the Earth's past and the impact of mankind on its plant and animal lifeMeanwhile,he suggests solutions for the present crisis
If you are interested in the future of planet Earth and want to learn to see the bigger picture,this is the book for youThis is no night bedtime reading and will probably leave you feeling uneasyHowever,it's important for people living in the 21st century to think about how we can pass at least part of this diversity on to our children Recent research shows that Earth needs about 10 millon years to restore the lost species after a great crisisTen ,million years are not much in terms of the life of a planet,but the period is way too long for mankind Wilson's book should help us to start a process of reconsideration
Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer"
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Too Polite
A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices The manager and her salesclerk took the woman's grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop" demanded the woman
A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, "Perhaps it's because we're too polite"
太有礼貌
一名妇女经常光顾一家小古董店，但几乎从不买什么东西，却总是对商品和价格吹毛求疵。对于那妇女的粗暴抱怨，经理和她的销售员总是应付了事，但是有一天她做得太过分了。“为什么你们店里总是不能得到我想要的东西？”那名妇女指责说。
职员脸上带着微笑，沉着地回答道：“也许是因为我们太有礼貌了。”
Wings
The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings As I was about to lock the doors, a quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly"
翅 膀
一天，我工作的炸鸡店在关门前出现了一阵抢购狂潮，结果除了鸡翅外所有的东西都卖完了。当我正准备锁门时，一名喝醉了的旅客进来要进餐。我问他翅膀行不行，他从柜台上靠过身子来，回答道：“女士，我到这儿来是吃东西的，不是要飞！”
The Bear and the Two Travelers
TWO man were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on their path
One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself in the branches The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on the ground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much as he could
The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree, and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered in his ear "He gave me this advice," his companion replied "Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger"
Misfortune tests the sincerity of friends
A Nail Or A Fly
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed
Now the old man entered his room The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
英语幽默故事
钉子还是苍蝇？
一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。
于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。
这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。
Is it far
Ali, who was working a long way from home, wanted to send a letter to his wife, but he could neither read nor write, and he had to work all day, so he could only look for somebody to write his letter late at night At last he found the house of a letter-writer whose name was Nasreddin
Nasreddin was already in bed 'It is late,' he said 'What do you want' 'I want you to write a letter to my wife,' said Ali Nasreddin was not pleased He thought for a few seconds and then said, 'Has the letter got to go far'
'What does that matter' answered Ali
'Well, my writing is so strange that only I can read it, and if I have to travel a long way to read your letter to your wife, it will cost you a lot of money'
Ali went away quickly
why do you never phone me
Mrs Harris lives in a small village Her husband is dead, but she has one son He is twenty-one and his name is Geoff He worked in the shop in the village and lived with his mother, but then he got work in a town and went ant lived there Its name was Greensea It was quite a long way from his mother's village, and she was not happy about this, but Geoff said, "There isn't any good work for me in the country, Mother, and I can get a lot of money in Greensea and send you some every week"
Mrs Harris was very angry last Sunday She got in a train and went to her son's house in Greensea Then she said to him, "Geoff, why do you never phone me"
Geoff laughed "But, Mother", he said, "you haven't got a phone"
"No," she answered, "I haven't, but YOU'VE got one!"
The Ant and the Dove
An ant went to the bank of a river to quench its thirst, and being carried away by the rush of the stream, was on the point of drowning
A Dove sitting on a tree overhanging the water plucked a leaf and let it fall into the stream close to her
The Ant climbed onto it and floated in safety to the bank Shortly afterwards a bird catcher came and stood under the tree, and laid his lime-twigs for the Dove, which sat in the branches The Ant, perceiving his design, stung him in the foot In pain the bird catcher threw down the twigs, and the noise made the Dove take wing
One good turn deserves another
Mum:Mary,you must take off your beautiful sweater when you sleep
Mary:I don't want to take it off
Mum:Why
Mary:Why doesn't the rooster take off its beautiful coat when it sleeps
妈妈：玛丽，你睡觉时，一定要把漂亮的毛衣脱下来。
玛丽：我不想脱。
妈妈：为什么呢？
玛丽：大公鸡睡觉时，怎么不脱下它漂亮的外衣呢？
The Hare and the Tortoise
H: Good morning, Mr Tortoise
T: Oh, it's you, Mr Hare Good morning!
H: What are you doing
T: I'm running
H: Running Ha ha ha!
Can you run Your legs are too short!
T: Of course I can
H: My legs are long I can run faster than you
T: Don't be so sure
H: Well then Let's run to the tall tree over there Let's see who can get there first
T: All right Ready Go!
Storyteller: Tortoise goes very slowly But Mr Hare runs very fast Soon he comes to a small tree
H: Where is Mr Tortoise Aha! There he is He's far behind me How slow he is! Mmm, it's so hot! Here is a tree I'll have a short sleep first
T: Oh, hi is sleeping under the tree there But I can't stop I must go on
H: Ah! What a nice sleep! Let me go on Oh, where's Mr Tortoise Where is he now I must hurry
Storyteller: Soon he runs to
1．Diligence is the mother of good luck
勤勉是好运气的母亲。
2．It is the peculiarity of knowledge that those who really thirst for it always get it
凡真正渴求知识者必能胜之，这是知识的特性。
3．It is to books that I owe everything that is good in me
我身上所有优秀的品质都要归功于书籍。
4．Write it on your heart that every day is the best of the year
把这铭记在你心里：每一天都是一年中最好的日子。
5．The three foundations of learning : seeing much , suffering much and studying much
求学的三个基本条件是：多观察，多吃苦，多研究。
Two Hearts Beating
Nurse: How do you feel after your operation
Patient: Quite al-right, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me
Nurse: No wonder The doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now
两颗心脏在跳动
护士：手术后你感觉怎么样？
病人：很好，只是我感觉到在我体内有两颗心脏在跳动。
护士：怪不得给你做手术的大夫刚才在到处找他的手表。1、what’s puberty(青春期)
One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, "Mommy, what‘s puberty" My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it
A few minutes later, Peggy returned Her mother asked what the dictionary had said "Puberty means," announced Peggy, "the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children"
"What do you think of that" my wife asked
"I‘m not sure," Peggy relied "I‘ve always been able to bear children It‘s adults I can‘t bear"
青春期
一天晚上，在准备晚饭的时候，我们十岁的女儿问：“妈妈，什么是青春期？”我的妻子此时正忙得不亦乐乎，所以她建议佩吉到字典上查这个词，然后她们可以再讨论它。
几分钟以后，佩吉回来了。她妈妈问字典上怎么说。
“青春期的意思是，”佩吉宣布：“一个女孩能忍受孩子的最早年龄。”
“你怎么想呢？”我妻子问。
“我不知道，”佩吉回答。“我总能忍受孩子。让我忍受不了的是大人。
Note: bear children: 生孩子。bear 一词也可作“忍受”讲。
2、
A little boy asked his mother "Why are you crying"
一个男孩问他的妈妈：“ 你为什么要哭呢？”
"Because I‘m a woman," she told him
妈妈说：“因为我是女人啊。”
"I don‘t understand," he said
男孩说：“我不懂。”
His mum just hugged him and said, "And you never will"
他妈妈抱起他说：“你永远不会懂的。”
3、The poor husband
"You can‘t imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
4、I Wasn‘t Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn‘t asleep," the man answered
"Not asleep But you had your eyes closed"
"I know I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car"
我没有睡着
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”
“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
Let me take it down
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen "
"Pless ,say it again Let me take it down "the mouse said "I will tell a flea what I know"
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits
"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed"
"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last yearBut why have you added so many more this time"
"You silly ladYou were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you"
While wisiting the cemetery,a sorrowful couple noticed a headstone,which read,"here lies a lawyer and a honest nan""look at that",the woman said,"money's so tight they're putting then two in a grave"
Lawyer Jokes :
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man" "How about that!" he exclaimed "They've got three people buried in one grave"
__________________________________
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth
A: July 15th
Q: What year
A: Every year
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which
Q: How long has he lived with you
A: Forty-five years
_________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy"
Q: And why did that upset you
A: My name is Susan
_________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated
A: By death
__________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work
__________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse
A: No
Q: Did you check for blood pressure
A: No
Q: Did you check for breathing
A: No
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy
A: No
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
A:Nice to meet you
B:Nice to meet you,too
C:Nice to meet you,three
An Artist
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings"
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed "What's the bad news"
An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits
"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed"
"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last yearBut why have you added so many more this time"
"You silly ladYou were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you
BUYING A HAT
A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off Show me some more hats!"
I'M NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF
Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him
"Hello, Miles," the manager said "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time"
"Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly "You see, sir, it grows in office time"
"Not all of it," said the manager at once "Some of it grows in your own time"
"Yes, sir, that's quite true" Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off"
But the teacher cried
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him He hardly left her side And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door
"Was school all right" she asked, "Did you get along all right did you cry"
"Cry" John asked "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
The difference between men and women
Jock was driving up a steep, narrow, tortuous, Scottish mountain road A woman was driving down the same road in the opposite direction
As they pass each other the woman leant out the window and shouted: "PIG!!"
Jock immediately leant out his window and replied with "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, but as Jock rounded the next corner he ran into a pig in the middle of the road
The Clock
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven As she stood in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him
She asked, "What are all those clocks"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move"
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that"
"That's Mother Theresa's The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie"
"Whose clock is that" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life"
"Where is Bill's clock" Hillary asked
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office He is using it as a ceiling fan"
One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result"
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one We will now arrive in London three hours late"
At this point, one passenger became furious "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
In the morning MrSmith comes into the garden at the back of his house He sees much snow(雪) in the gardenMrSmith wants to take his car out, so he asks a man to clean the road from his garage(车库)to the gate(大门) He says to the man,”Don't throw any snow on that side It will damage(损坏) flowers in the street, or the policeman will come”Then he goes out
When he comes back, the road is cleanThere is no snow on the flowers, on the wall or in the street But when he open the garage, he sees the garage is full of snow(被雪充满), the snow from the road, and his car is under the snow!
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA"
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA"
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA"
英语幽默笑话：
一：She Didn"t Say Anything
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence
The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”。
“How do you know” asked her father
“She didn"t say anything”
二：I Have Turned It Over
A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It"s too dirty Would you like to wash it now”
The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don"t think it"s necessary We can turn the sheet over Is that all right”
三、40 over Li lotus heart disease arises suddenly, is escorted to the hospital first aid The condition extremely too bad, the Li lotus felt oneself nearly all already died
In the rescue, the Li lotus has heard God's sound suddenly: "You cannot die, you also may live for 45 years 6 months 02 days, has the courage to go on living!"
Certainly, the result was the Li lotus miracle is revived After the body recovers, the Li lotus thought oneself also can live for more than 40 years, then □has anxiously is leaving the hospital, first repairs the face, then makes up the lip, then is the prosperous chest, finally is the thin abdomen, continuously has undergone 4 cosmetology surgeries altogether, then was called the specialized hair stylist to visit the service, changed has sent the color, has made the new tide hairstyle, the entire stature looked at □the young several years old
After last the reshaping surgery completes, the Li lotus then happily handled left the hospital the procedure, □thought actually the ambulance which rapidly 驶过 by 撞死 in the entrance
After the heaven, the Li lotus has been angry interrogates God: "Since you had said I also may live for 45 years, then you should not eat the word"
God awkwardly 耸了耸肩, replies: "Really is sorry, at that time, the vehicle hit when you I have not recognized am you"
英语笑话这里面有的，可以看看：
http://wwwsxuucom/loveu/Article/english/yyxx/200508/22000html
英语幽默
双关歇后语：）~
http://wwwsxszjzxcom/~t207/wht_2htm
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow"
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行"
Do You Know My Work？
One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
“You don't know my work，” said the other．
“What is your work？”
“I'm a policeman．
“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”
译文：（自己简单翻译）
你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”
Who is the laziest
Father:Well,Jack,I talked with your teacher today And now I want to ask you a question ,Who is the laziest person inyour class
Jack:I don`t know ,father
Father:Oh,think!When other boys and girls are reading and wirting ,who sits quietly and only watch how other people word
Jack:Our teacher ,father
更多的请点击参考资料链接。
谢谢！
参考资料：